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Sept. 9, 2020

Relationship Mastery: Codependecy, Dysfunction, & Breakups

Relationship Mastery: Codependecy, Dysfunction, & Breakups

Welcome to The Dr. Erin Podcast. This is a top spiritual psychology coach podcast to inspire and teach you how to transform your trauma, birth your soul’s purpose, and manifest your dreams. Learn the best coaching tips, spiritual advice, trauma healing, and metaphysical recovery secrets. I’m here to help you monetize your spiritual gifts and love your life. I want you to know that I’ve been exactly where you are and I believe in you. Together, we are awakening the world.
Hi, I'm Dr. Erin, doctor of divinity and the creator of the E4 Trauma Method®, world-renowned spiritual leader, master spiritual psychology coach, international best-selling author, and the 2020 Walden Wisdom award winner next to Oprah. Forbes nominated her as “11 Of The Most Inspirational Female Entrepreneurs To Watch On Instagram.”
Join Soulciété Spiritual Entrepreneurs or get Accredited Certified as a Spiritual Psychology Master Coach & E4 Trauma Method® Coach.
Learn the universal law of attraction, metaphysics, manifestation, spiritual psychology, past-life regressions, and spiritual awakening. This top podcast is created to provide support, education, self-development, healing, motivation, and inspiration. Spiritual trauma recovery is the key. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

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Welcome to The Dr. Erin Podcast. This is a top spiritual psychology coach podcast to inspire and teach you how to transform your trauma, birth your soul’s purpose, and manifest your dreams. Learn the best coaching tips, spiritual advice, trauma healing, and metaphysical recovery secrets. I’m here to help you monetize your spiritual gifts and love your life.  I want you to know that I’ve been exactly where you are and I believe in you. Together, we are awakening the world.  

Hi, I'm Dr. Erin, doctor of divinity and the creator of the E4 Trauma Method®, world-renowned spiritual leader, master spiritual psychology coach, international best-selling author, and the 2020 Walden Wisdom award winner next to Oprah. 

Dr. Erin is committed to bridging spirituality, science, and psychology. She is forging ‘New Thought Wisdom’ in the study of Spiritual Psychology; the study of how everything is created from Source at a soul level.

Forbes nominated her as “11 Of The Most Inspirational Female Entrepreneurs To Watch On Instagram.” 

Join Soulciété, and get certified as a Spiritual Warrior, Spiritual Entrepreneur, or get Accredited Certified as a Spiritual Psychology Coach & E4 Trauma Method®, Spiritual Psychology Master Practitioner, Master Teacher, or Doctor of Divinity.

Learn the universal law of attraction, metaphysics, manifestation, spiritual psychology, past-life regressions,  and spiritual awakening. This top podcast is created to provide support, education, self-development, healing, motivation, and inspiration. Spiritual trauma recovery is the key. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.



This is


First live from Los Angeles. Welcome to the Dr. Aaron show. We're all about manifestation transformation and breakthroughs. It's time to claim your birthright of prosperity, vitality and love. So grab your tea coffee, because together we're awakening the world. May you live your truth?


Live from Los Angeles. We come together each day to know the truth, live on spiritual principle and align with the universal law. We also come together in community in society and new thought global. We truly believe that when somebody awakens save a gift and message to bring to the world and together we are awakening the world today, this podcast, I wanna talk to you guys about relationships and love mastery relationships and love mastery. So look, we, life is a relationship, so it doesn't matter if you are married, dating single. It doesn't matter. This is really about codependency dysfunction, breakups, and really beginning to have principles to live by within all relationships. No matter if it's in your business with an intimate person, with your children, with anyone really understanding what it means to really have an empowered relationship versus a dysfunctional or codependent, um, chaotic relationship.


Okay, so we're gonna do this thing. Let's take a deep breath in through the nose and Exline out. I recognize right here. And right now that all of life is a relationship. This beautiful dynamic for me to experience more and more in depth of my soul. I recognizes all how I relate to it, that there is this creative factor in me. That is the spark that never can be the effect of anything of the world that I get to always in every situation, no matter what this circumstance is, I get to choose who I desire to be and how I want to create my world and my relationships into existence. So as I relate to what's going on in my relationships, I also relate knowing that I am, cause that I get to say who I am in the realm of love, who I am in the realm of standing for other people's lives and loving unconditionally, but putting boundaries as well.


And in those boundaries, I find freedom. I get to be expressed. I get to love infinitely, infinitely. I simply know this in my mind, my heart as together we say. And so it is okay, so let's do this to you guys. Let's break on down relationships and love. So this is really a conversation, um, after working with, um, you know, thousands and thousands of people around the world, I would say that nine outta 10 people I've worked with have dealt with codependency. If you are a human being, you probably are dealing with codependency unless you are a spiritual master. So we have to first define, like, what is the inversion of if we're fully expressed in, in relationship fully empowered and fully in truth. What is the opposite of that? The opposite can be titled codependent dysfunction, or, you know, whatever you wanna call it.


But the point is is that if you're placing your power outside of yourself, if you're making any relationship, your higher power, meaning that your happiness, your joy, your identity is contingent upon whatever is outside of yourself. That is the, the opposite of truth. Okay? That is like, that is inverting universal law. And you will feel like the effect. You will be a roller coaster if you will. And I've watched and witnessed over and over that, you know, of course I train and develop women and women, particularly spiritually based in business. And I recognize that until they deal with their codependency, their businesses are not going to be able to flourish because they are going, their energy is, is bounded and tied up and entangled in chaos, in their relationships, in their codependency, in their dysfunction, or maybe it's a breakup or, you know, whatever it is, the drama around their relationship, their child is, you know, they're not in getting along with their child or maybe their parent they're, they're pissed off at their mom or something like that, right?


These are all dysfunctional codependent relationships that people are placing their they're handing over their power to their relationship out there. So today's podcast is really giving you some distinctions of you taking back your power. You already have the power, you have the power now, and you always have the power, but in consciousness you can, you can perceive yourself to not have the power. And we wanna make sure that you take back your power fully in consciousness as well. Okay. So I remember for me when I was, um, I actually went to Coda. There's a, there's an actual great, uh, few different programs, 12 step programs, online Coda, which is C O D And, um, Alanon, if you're in a relationship with an alcoholic or an addict, things like that, and they give some great distinctions, um, for me, just around breaking the vicious cycle, because when you go into a room where there's a bunch of people that are in similar situations and having dysfunctional relationships, you start to see the patterns.


And when you see the patterns, you know, it's life. So I remember going into, uh, a meeting and I sat down and I was really upset, you know, with the relationship I was in. And I was thinking about, I can't believe he did this. I can't believe this happened. I can't believe all the stuff. Right. And as I began to go back to the meetings over and over again, I started seeing and witnessing other, you know, particularly women and men stand up and talk about their partners. And I was like, oh my gosh, that's me. I'm focusing on the other person. I'm not focusing on myself and becoming the person that I need to be. And I started seeing the people in the room as just victims. And I was like, oh my gosh, this is just a room of victims. You know what I mean?


Even though they're partners, maybe they did terrible things. Maybe they cheated on them. Maybe they lied to them. Maybe they're narcissists. Maybe they fell the wagon and did drugs. Maybe they did what, and it's not to take away from what the partner did. But the point is, these people continually stood up and pointed the finger at the other person instead of pointing the finger at themselves. And that was the point of it. That the point is, as those newbies stood up, as they start coming to the meetings over and over again, they begin to stop pointing the finger to the other person or to life or to their parent or their child or whatever. And they begin to point the finger at themselves and ask themselves, you know, who do I need to be to live in peace? Who do I need to be to be empowered?


Who do I need to be to no longer be the roller coaster or the victim of the, the Merry go round of the dysfunctional cycles, right? So there's some distinctions I wanna give you today. And it's so important. It's something that I think that we all could use and we've not taught these things. Uh, we're rarely taught these things in our culture. And oftentimes we are actually taught the opposite or will never forget the scene of Jerry McGuire. When Tom cruise says to his girlfriend, you complete me. And it's like, oh my gosh, my heart was, is melting. I was like, oh my gosh, love, this is love, right? You complete me. I think that many of us went to therapy for many years after that one sentence you complete me. And I think that for so many people, they're looking to find somebody or something to complete them.


They're looking for their child to complete them. They're looking for their husband or wife to complete them. They're looking for the person they're dating to complete them. They're looking for their company to complete them. They're looking for, you know, whatever it is. If I just moved to a city, it'll complete me. If I just have enough money that will complete me. If I just get a Bigo of house that will complete me. If I just find the right twin flame, that will complete me. If I just, you know, and that's a point is that nothing can complete you, nothing can complete you. So the distinctions I wanna make today are really first recognizing are you handing your power out outside of yourself? Are you codependent? Are you dysfunctional? Are you all these things? Okay. So we need to first take a look at that. So one thing I'd recommend is to begin to take a journal, you know, are you get, are you getting upset and are you getting con upset, contingent upon something happening with a relationship?


Okay. So obviously if it's upsetting you and you're staying in it, then that is, uh, a dysfunctional relationship. So what I have my clients do is I have, 'em take a journal and, um, I, I have 'em write down kind of their highest self. What's the best part of who you are in relationship when you're in, uh, you know, know, you're like, you love who you are in relationship. What, what is that person? Who is that person? How is she? Or he, so say things like, well, you know, I'm very loving, I'm giving. I am. Um, just in the present moment. I, um, I feel I trust them. I trust me, you know, they'll go on and on about what that is. And then I have 'em write down what is their lower self? Like, what's that worse self when you're in relationship? Oh gosh, you know, I'm, I'm becoming, um, I start looking at their phone.


I start sending me texts. I am constantly thinking about and questioning, what are they doing? Where are they? I become compulsive of the future, where where's this going? Um, I get obsessed with it, things like that, right? So we have to start looking at, you know, what are the things and circumstances that as you get into those different, um, areas. So obviously the goal is to do your own spiritual work and awaken and, and become so devout to the divine within and the beloved and, and become so in a place that is unshakeable and unstoppable and unrecognizable in that nothing of this world can touch you. You become somebody who's in this world, but not of this world. You're not the effect of anything. And you know, it doesn't define U if you are a millionaire or not a millionaire, if you're a seven figure coach or not a seven figure coach, if you have a boyfriend or don't have a boyfriend, doesn't define you.


Okay. But we have to recognize that for now. Just to figure out, are you codependent? Are you dysfunctional? Are you things we need to get down where, where you are in the realm of, are you codependent and are you dysfunctional? Okay. So what is that highest self? Who are you in relationship when you're in your ideal self? Who are you when you're in your worst self? Okay. And then what we need to do is we need to define, you know, your ideal scene in relationship versus your kind of deal breakers in relationship. What are your must haves? What do you need to have? What are, what are those bottom lines for you? Right? Because we kind of have, um, baby deal. Breakers might be someone who lies or cheats, someone who has alcoholic behavior, somebody who isn't really desired to spend their life with somebody.


Um, somebody who's a workaholic, somebody that has rage, somebody, what, whatever it may be. Right. Okay. Deal breakers. What are your deal? Breakers? And then, you know, the reason why we do this is because if you take a journal on it and you recognize that this person keeps doing these deal breakers, and you get clear of what it is that you, you can only do so much work within yourself. Right. It's like saying, I'm gonna put my hand in the fire and I'm gonna pretend that I'm gonna be okay. Right. If you're in a relationship with somebody who's abusive, say for example, a narcissist or, you know, whatever, it may be an alcoholic. And you think that you're just gonna be able to, you know, I can just it's it's me. I need to just be okay with everything. No, you're not. You're probably not gonna be able, able to sustain your peace and your health and your wellbeing.


If you keep yourself in, in environments that are harmful. Okay. So it's up to you to start to take this, these measures to understand, oh, I got triggered and really upset today because X, Y, and Z, I got really triggered and upset because, um, he lied to me. He said he was gonna be doing one thing and he was doing another thing. And so I don't trust him. So I got really upset. Okay. So you need to understand, you either need to get okay with the, you know, the, the gap of suffering as wishing people, places, and things are different than they are and accepting them as they are. And getting clear, like, this is somebody who, who lies, right? They say one thing, they do another thing, or they're not their word or whatever it is. Okay. But it's up to you to recognize if you keep putting yourself in this situation and, and being around someone that has deal breakers for you, then it's not about pointing your finger at them anymore.


You have to point your finger at you. You are doing this upset. They're not doing it to you. The only person that can make you upset is you, the only person that can make you upset is you, okay? So, you know, it's getting clear and taking a journal around what this is. Okay? So this is the one first distinction and tool for you to, to begin to take a journal, begin to write down your highest self and your lowest self in relationship. What are your deal breakers? And if you're in relationship, are those deal breakers happening over and over again. And it goes like this. You may have a, a conversation or write a letter to your partner and say, look, I'm choosing to take responsibility for my life. I'm choosing to take responsibility around my emotions. And so you need to know that these are things that really upset me.


In fact, they're the things that I'm not able to get okay with them. I'm not okay to get okay with you cheating or I'm okay. Not okay with you lying, or I'm not okay with whatever it may be. So if they keep happening, you need to know that I'm gonna I'm, I'm not gonna be able to stay in this relationship. So they have freedom of choice. They have free will, but you've, you've let them know. We don't go and try and tell 'em, you need to change. You need to stop, you know, lying. You need to go do this. Now that's controlling, fixing, and trying to change someone. This is about you taking responsibility for yourself and your emotions and your life. Okay? So this is the first thing. Okay. Next, the next process I'm gonna give you is basically recognizing that a lot of times we project into the future, we actually, it's actually a distinction, um, in SLAA sex and love addiction is fantasy versus reality.


Okay? So what you can do is you can begin to, um, to get, write down with whether it may be you're in a relationship or whatever, or even, um, just dating whatever are you, what is it that you love about this person? Is it that you are projecting in the future? What you wish they were, what the future is that you're hoping it will be. What is that fantasy that you have around this person? Versus I want you to write down on one side of the list and the other side, right? One side, you write down fantasy of everything that you think about this person. And then on the other side, I want you to write down who they are right now. Who are they right now? What are they actually, what are their actions? Not their words, but their actions, right? So you can fantasy.


You could say words, what they say versus what, who they are, what they do. Okay. So on the fantasy, what are everything they tell you? I love you. You're the love of my life. We're gonna create this, this and this. I'm gonna buy you a big house in the Hills. I'm gonna, you know, we're, we're gonna spend the rest of eternity together, whatever that might be versus who are they? Well, they, you know, don't text back for hours when I try and communicate. Um, they have lied a few times. They, yes, they show up great these times, whatever it may be, who are they? Right. So begin to get that gap and that distinction of the fantasy of who they are versus who they are. Okay. And so we wanna recognize also the next cycle, which is really it's called the Merry around or the vicious cycle.


And you begin to watch the patterns. What are the patterns in your relationship? Okay. So what are the patterns? Generally, the roller coaster goes like this. Okay. You meet somebody, it's this romantic thing. It's this whole honeymoon stage. If you will, and then something happens, something goes wrong. Someone cheats lies, or there's an argument or whatever. It may be someone rages or whatever. And then there's this discord and you go into retreat, they fall off the wagon, or you go into argument and you get pissed at each other or whatever it is, it may be an hour. It may be a week. It may be you break up and, and, you know, and then what happens is one partner basically shames the other partner, one person, um, retreats. It's like this whole dynamic. And then you make up and it's the honeymoon stage again. Okay.


So it's like this whole cycle. And I want you to begin to take a look at what are those cycles for you and what have they been? Maybe you're not in a relationship, but you can take a look and take inventory of your past relationships. Right. So what is that vicious cycle for? And what is the pattern that you guys have in your relationship? Or what is the patterns you have had in your relationships? Right. I remember for me, I used to break up, you know, oh, this is too hard, or it's too, whatever I'm outta here. Right. And I'd break up over and over again, that was my cycle. And then break up and then I'd miss them. And I'd remember exactly all the great things. And then I would, you know, get back in it and it'd be this honeymoon stage. And then all of a sudden, you know, the line and the cheating and the manipulating would happen again.


And then I'd get pissed, he'd blow out and go do his thing. I would, you know, just, just have all this emotions and then we'd finally come back together. And it was like, oh my gosh, I love you. I love you too. And then you'd get into the fantasy of what it is. And then you'd make up in his honeymoon stage and then three weeks into it again, you're like, oh yeah, all this insanity starts again and so on and so forth. Okay. So begin to take a look and keep track of the vicious cycle of your life. You know, what is that for you? Okay. And then lastly, the last kind of distinction I would give you, and, and you could say homework assignment or whatever you wanna break free of. This is recognizing where you've handed your power over to a relationship. So we go through this a lot and empowerment within society of name and time you handed your power over to relationship, right?


It means when did you hand your joy over? When did you make them the source of your suffering? When did you make yourself the victim of them? When did you stop doing a life that expanding and seeing people, you know, oftentimes people, when they get into dysfunctional relationships, so universe gets smaller. They stop really spending time with their friends. They stop working out, they stopped working, you know, what's the impact of this relationship on your life. So you begin to take inventory of where you've handed your power over again, and again, to a relationship you don't even need to be in a relationship. I have people that they're their exes, their ex-husbands, their ex-wives controlled. They're still hand their power over to 'em. They're still getting upset with somebody they're not even in, you know, real relationship with anymore. Okay. So the distinction is, again for you for kind of really breaking this down, is, are you dysfunctional?


Right? So you need to really start taking a look at what that is, and then write down what your ideal self and your lower self is in relationship and what those triggers are for you and what you really need to take responsibility around. Not putting yourself in an environment it's gonna have you go into your lower self. Next is the distinction of fantasy versus reality. And getting down really clear of what's the fantasy you have about relationship versus what is the reality. And you know, what is that for yourself? Who are you in relationship? What's the reality. If you take a look at just your actions versus what you think you are in relationship, right? The next distinction is the vicious cycle. Making a look at, take a look at the patterns that you have in your relationships and recognizing what is that pattern and breaking that cycle, stopping those cycles, coming to E equanimity, and really no longer breaking up and making up and making someone wrong and doing those whole cycles of the honeymoon.


And then of course getting the list out of where you handed your power over in relationship. Okay? So these are some great distinctions recognizing that you are a powerful, spiritual being that the moment that you put love outside of yourself, it's it, there's no source of love out there. You are the source of love, the moment that you create your relationships to your higher power and your joy, your happiness, your suffering, everything is contingent upon whatever's happening. You're looking for validation. You're looking for acceptance, or you're trying to fix change or control someone. Or maybe you have a parent child type of a situation in your relationship. You know, you need somebody to save you. You need someone to, you know, have somebody be someone that abandons you or hurts you, or, you know, you're looking you, you're a victim mentality. And therefore you need to have a per a pro a perpetrator.


You need to have a perpetrator because you have to play over and over again, the role of the victim or vice versa, right? So the truth is this is that I know and recognize you are a powerful, divine, spiritual being, and that you are able to have love. It is the truth. There's always somebody out there that's perfect for you because it is wherever you're at. So I recognize if you are in a dysfunctional relationship, that this is a huge blessing, because it is doing the work that's demanding you to wake up and know the truth of who you are and be the love that you desire. Be the one you've been waiting for, be the mental equivalent and be that everything you've ever desired and a partner, you've got to embody that first in order to attract that you complete me, Tom cruise, no divine love completes me spirit. That part of myself, that the cup with run is over with love.


And I simply know that wanting someone to complete you is exactly what you will, is stopping you from being completed. You are complete, you are love, you are a whole, you are all that. And if you're somebody that desires to have an incredible business as a solepreneur as a spiritual coach, that if you're in a codependent relationship and you're up and down the roller coaster of life, you've got to handle your codependency. You've got to handle codependency. I also wanna state that if it's that bad, I highly recommend checking yourself into rehab. There are rehabs for codependency, codependency, and love. Addiction is just as powerful as heroin addiction. Um, alcohol addiction, it ruins lives. It people, um, you know, kill themselves over it. It can be very, very intense. Please reach out to your doctor to a facility. If you are in the place where your life is going down, you are not able to function.


It is dangerous. Okay. And I love you guys so much. Trust me, I've been there. It was the hardest thing I ever went through in my entire life was codependency. And I recognize the freedom. Trust me. It is a miracle. I remember, um, some time after doing my healing and having like a week go by where I didn't think of my ex. And I was like, oh my gosh, that's a miracle. Because there was a time when the mental pictures of all the dysfunction discord in line and cheating, it was like, it was like a movie was constantly going through my head. I couldn't stop thinking about it. It was like an obsession. And today I stand where I'm totally free, totally in love with myself and life and see everyone as the miracle that they are no longer have to make anyone wrong and, um, and allow myself to love deeply intimately. Um, and I just know that that is your destiny, if you truly desire it. Okay. So may you live your truth? May you master relationships and love releasing yourself from codependency, dysfunction and healing from all breakups and allowing yourself to be the love of your life. Okay. Have a beautiful day. You guys, and may you live your truth?


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